If you’ve already watched Brokeback Mountain, you’ll know what I mean by Ennis Del Mar-ism.
It's not about cowboys, it’s not about gays, it’s not about whether homosexuality is right or wrong or left or right.
Or top or bottom for that matter.
Now I assure you I’m not one of those desperately-in-love-with-Jake Gyllenhaal types. Sue me but I think he’s ugly. Yet there’s a certain something in his character Jack Twist’s doe-eyed look that enthralled me. His eyes searched the depth of Ennis’ soul, willing him to understand that sometimes you have to take a leap.
Jack Twist is that sliver of optimism waving wildly, trying to cling onto our attention for more than just that fleeting moment.
To say 'somewhere someday somehow things will work out'.
But the voice of realism obscures him, in the way Ennis systematically turns away from hope and towards denial, letting the one good thing he had slip from his grasp.
It’s about that mechanical rationality, which tells us that we’re making the right choice, we ARE, even as we feel our hearts tremble and shrivel in sorrow.
We believe in procedural logic, in the mechanistic evaluation of pros and cons and sweep away the emotions we deem transient and inevitable.
I think we all are Ennis Del Mar in some way.
At each forkroad, we are invariably more tempted to pick the one that is ‘right’, that either yields more apparent benefit or procures less suffering. Instead of reaching for dreams, we’re content to trudge along and play it safe.
Three years ago, I came to such a forkroad, a path leading to Washington University and one leading to Université de la Méditerranée. The former had a greater sense of familiarity and opportunity, the latter a thrill and hesitation of unknown adventure. Frankly speaking, during my first year in France, I did question my decision and sometimes I still do, especially when I worry about becoming irrelevant in today’s society of Harvard and Cambridge graduates. But there are no regrets, only pride, that I took the offbeat path.
Today, there are more decisions to be made, and I risk turning away from an important part of my life because I’m afraid of facing my fear of incapability.
Go away Ennis Del Mar.
When you know you have a good thing, the stupidest you can do is to let it go.
It's not about cowboys, it’s not about gays, it’s not about whether homosexuality is right or wrong or left or right.
Or top or bottom for that matter.
Now I assure you I’m not one of those desperately-in-love-with-Jake Gyllenhaal types. Sue me but I think he’s ugly. Yet there’s a certain something in his character Jack Twist’s doe-eyed look that enthralled me. His eyes searched the depth of Ennis’ soul, willing him to understand that sometimes you have to take a leap.
Jack Twist is that sliver of optimism waving wildly, trying to cling onto our attention for more than just that fleeting moment.
To say 'somewhere someday somehow things will work out'.
But the voice of realism obscures him, in the way Ennis systematically turns away from hope and towards denial, letting the one good thing he had slip from his grasp.
It’s about that mechanical rationality, which tells us that we’re making the right choice, we ARE, even as we feel our hearts tremble and shrivel in sorrow.
We believe in procedural logic, in the mechanistic evaluation of pros and cons and sweep away the emotions we deem transient and inevitable.
I think we all are Ennis Del Mar in some way.
At each forkroad, we are invariably more tempted to pick the one that is ‘right’, that either yields more apparent benefit or procures less suffering. Instead of reaching for dreams, we’re content to trudge along and play it safe.
Three years ago, I came to such a forkroad, a path leading to Washington University and one leading to Université de la Méditerranée. The former had a greater sense of familiarity and opportunity, the latter a thrill and hesitation of unknown adventure. Frankly speaking, during my first year in France, I did question my decision and sometimes I still do, especially when I worry about becoming irrelevant in today’s society of Harvard and Cambridge graduates. But there are no regrets, only pride, that I took the offbeat path.
Today, there are more decisions to be made, and I risk turning away from an important part of my life because I’m afraid of facing my fear of incapability.
Go away Ennis Del Mar.
When you know you have a good thing, the stupidest you can do is to let it go.
3 comments:
If you had chosen WU instead of Uni Méd, I would have personally strangled you.
Up to today, I still wonder if I made the right decision in coming to do prepa.
Terence
terence:
i guess for you it's doubly so, cos prepa constitutes the 'dark years'. but i think there's no way of ever knowing the 'right' decision from a 'less-right' one... human nature in itself leads us to justify in retrospect the path we take all the time.
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